Rip's Domain

Irish Humor

Posted in Jokes by rip747 on March 18, 2007

Ya ya, I know I’m a day late, but what the hell🙂

An Irishman who had a  little  too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the  cop to the driver, where  have ya been?”
“Why,  I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the  drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the  cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs  the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve  somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling  ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must  tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

Mary Clancy goes up  to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve  got terrible  news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…'”

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down,but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!”

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